Say No & Amplify Your Success (a conversation with Melanie Benson)

Raise your hand if you sometimes struggle to say no.  Saying no doesn’t always feel easy. There are lots of reasons why this may be the case: maybe you are people pleaser, maybe you’ve officially got FOMO, or maybe you just don’t have a lot of practice.

I recently sat down with Melanie Benson on her podcast Amplify your Success to talk about the important role that saying no plays in happiness, and I want to tell you a little bit about what we talked about here. If you want to hear the whole episode, you can find it HERE.  

As you know, I believe that the recipe for maximum happiness is to do more of what matters and less of the rest. This might not sound particularly complicated or revolutionary at first blush but let me explain a few of the reasons why I think it might be worth deeper consideration.

We live in a world where we are told that our goal should be to have more and that the best way to have more is to do more. I lived the early part of my career this way – I tried to do it all to have it all (don’t believe me? You can read more of my story HERE.)

I have since figured out that the real secret to having more happiness is to preserve time, energy, and resources for what matters most to you. And that means being able to say no to those things that are not important or are a drain on your time, energy, and resources.

While I firmly believe that no is a complete answer, if you are one of those people who struggles to say it here are a couple things you can do to get empowered.

1)    Know your season.

 I’ve talked about seasons before, but here’s a quick refresher. Life is a series of seasons. Your needs, wants and priorities might change, too. Being clear on what season you are in – and what limitations that might bring – allows you to really see why no might be important or even necessary.

 2)    Know what matters.

 Once you are clear on your season, you can get clear on what matters most to you. What is your top priority in this season? Knowing what matters most to you is how you “align where your ‘no’ needs to go.” If it’s not a priority to you, or as Melanie says a full body yes, then let it be a no.

 3)    Still struggling to say no? Know what’s underneath.

 For many of us, even when we know the season and know our priorities and believe that no is the right answer, it’s still hard to actually say it. Feelings like fear and guilt or past nervous system programming can get in the way. The key to moving past this resistance is taking the time to understand where it is coming from.  Consider the following questions:

-       What feeling is underneath your struggle to say no?

Name it. Call it what it is. Don’t judge it. You don’t even have to attempt to fix it yet.

 -       Does that feeling really belong to you?  Or is saying no here really contrary to my values?

 For example, Melanie and I talked at length on the episode about guilt -one of the sneakiest no barriers. Bottom line, if you’re going to feel guilty, make sure it’s because you are doing something that doesn’t align with your values – not because you’re adopting some set of values that someone else or society has said you should. In other words, make sure the guilt belongs to you.

 Saying no doesn’t have to be so hard. And saying no is one of the most powerful steps you can take to recapture some happiness. Want to hear more? Listen to the whole episode HERE.